29. Oct, 2016

Do you have lonely hours as a Mum ?

Can you feel lonely when you're not alone ? Yes as being alone is not the same as feeling lonely.

Being a Mother I am now never alone, mainly as there's that new bundle, with this new role many responsibilites came too, spending the days caring for another. Even though you aren't alone, loneliness can start to fill your time and your thoughts - you are not alone in this, it is normal, other Mums feel it too.

Motherhood can be full of loveliness and loneliness ! 

The house started being full; partner home, family visiting, piles of presents, shelves of cards and the occassional bunch of flowers in a vase. The early weeks seemed busy with texts and phone calls, visiting family and friends with new baby, and the constant need for shopping!

An adjustment from woman to mother, and the many smiles used for others. Amongst the hard hours or days were the moments I longed for, looked for to, these were the slightest thing that reminded me of the amazing beauty of the young baby and the awesome feeling of eternal love.

As the weeks turned into months (with exception to the baby's cry)  the house fell silent. I began to feel very lonely, many many hours of loneliness and I couldn't tell anyone about it, this isn't what I expected.

Motherhood can be full of different realities for the expectations ! 

The expectations before or during pregnancy, somewhat lay the foundations for what should be happening and what I should be feeling. I expected Motherhood to be amazing, which within weeks I soon found it wasn't.

I never expected Post-natal blues (I'd heard of PNBlues and PNDepression) but hadn't thought about it, this was never spoke about during pregnancy and then just a quick questionnaire after six weeks.

After more weeks, that was it I was diagnosed with PND, weeks turned into months and things felt paralysing, an enormous sense of guilt and shame for the feelings I had, I'd never felt so lonely, I really couldn't tell anyone.

Building some courage to seek support, I was advised to go join in some Mum & Tot Groups in my local town.

I never expected to feel loneliness in a room of people as I started to go to Mum & Tots. I used to think they all would be the ideal space for new mums, a group of mums to welcome other mums, a place to make new friends, time to relax and enjoy adult company.

I was a very quiet and shy person; looking for someone to engage with me, a simple hi wouldv'e been nice, what I really wanted was someone to come sit and chat with me - but nothing! I used to go home more lonely and upset than before I went.

I decided to try one more, in the hope this one wasn't the same, I'm glad I did, it was very welcoming and many kind, friendly faces and conversations.

Motherhood can be full of self-doubt and self-reflection ! 

I'm still not where I want to be as a Mum, but the biggest thing for me was excepting my expectations were mis-guided and realising the realities, and opening up to immediate family about my struggles.

I've learnt a few tthings on this part of my Motherhood Journey, I'd love to share with you in the hope they will provide support.

The Route Forward :

  • Loneliness is a feeling, feelings can be temporary, not depicting our entire life, simply a moment in time.
  • Feelings can become over-whelming, therefore don't always mirror our current situation.
  • Seeking support from others, can give us a new sense of self-worth.
  • Noticing emotions when they arise can help us to observe, both how feeling and the situation in order to look at how to address the issues when arise.
  • Remembering the current situation is not our final detination.
  • Accepting our expectations or predictions of how things would be is really not how they are.
  • Over-thinking or worrying can add negative thoughts to an already time of struggle for oursleves, this could add more issues to the path!
  • No mum has it all figured out. There is no perfect happy family life for anyone, simply just the perception some give, trust that this isn't their reality!

Motherwell Mum Blogger