18. Apr, 2019

It’s OK to feel this way

This day 3 years ago was very bitter sweet for me. 
 
My day started well and I woke to the great news that my son had got his first choice primary school. We were over the moon! We headed out to soft play to celebrate,,, only, which we were there I began to get abdominal cramps and heavy bleeding. I suppose I should have mentioned earlier, that I was 6 weeks pregnant at this point. Thoughts of the new school quickly vanished, and all I could think of was what was happening to me and my baby. I was terrified but the hospital couldnt do anything because of how early I was. I was left to deal with this alone, and to take a test again in a few days, and go back for blood tests if I was unsure, but it sounded like I was miscarrying. I was devastated that this was happening to me, to us, to our family. And there was nothing, nothing at all that I could do to stop this happening, nothing that ANYONE could do to stop this. I felt like it was all my fault. Had I lifted something too heavy? Had I not taken my folic acid religiously? What had I done to make this happen? In truth, there was nothing I had done to cause thiis, but it was MY body that let me down, MY body that lost this child, so I felt like it was MY fault. 
 
A test a few days later revealed I was no longer pregnant, and my periods returned as usual. There was no help or support offered to me, I was simply left to deal with it myself. I thought that was the end of it. That I could process the thoughts and feelings, and get past it on my own. That was until M started school in September, and there was another parent who was pregnant and due her baby just 2 weeks before I would have been due. Watching her bump grow, and her due date come and go, and she delivered just 5 days before my due date, I felt crushed all over again. Of course I was over the moon for my friend, her baby boy is gorgeous, but he reminds me of what I could, or should have. Even now, I look at him and I’m reminded I should have a toddler causing havoc in my house, but that one day 3 years ago changed all of that. 
 
1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child. This can happen without warning, whoithout a care for how long you’ve been trying, how wanted the baby is, or how many precasutions you take. 
 
If you’ve experienced the loss of a child and require more help and support to deal with this, then Motherwell can help you. Email us at referrals@motherwellcheshirecio.com or call 01606 557666 for further information.